Love, Unscripted by Owen Nicholls

 

I received an ARC of this book thanks to NetGalley and publisher Headline Review in exchange for an honest review.

Oh boy. I can't believe Holly Bourne's name is right there on the cover promoting this book.

Love, Unscripted is the story of Nick, one of the most insufferable protagonists that I've read about for a while. Nick is a projectionist at a local movie theatre and also a self-destructive, unaware moron.

The blurb of this book frames this as a 'boy gets left by girl and re-evaluates his life' kind of story, but this is actually a massive lie. In fact, it is a 'boy dumps his long-suffering girlfriend because he's too much of an ass to realise that he is dumping her, then mopes about and tells everyone she dumped him' kind of story.

I get that the point of this book is Nick is meant to go through personal growth and realise the error of his ways, but Nick is not a teenage boy. He's a grown man who should know better at his age than making his girlfriend do all his emotional work for him. He is so self-focused that it becomes deeply unpleasant reading about every other character trying to patiently accommodate him and his self-made problems. He is so unaware of their feelings that it makes him completely irredeemable as a protagonist.#

I cannot recommend this book even a little bit. I adore romance books of many shapes and sizes, but I have no patience for the lack of awareness this book seems to have about its own main character

Overall Rating:

Dead End Drive by Ian Kirkpatrick

 

I received an ARC of this book thanks to NetGalley and publisher Steak House Books in exchange for an honest review.

Oh boy, this book was a mess. Originally I was going to give it 2 stars for having a decent premise, but having found out that it's based off a boardgame, that means the only things I liked about it aren't original at all.

Dead End Drive is about a family where, when someone dies, the battle for inheritance is a literal battle to the death. After the reading of the will, the person left alive in the morning will inherit everything. How can such a premise go wrong? Well, for starters the premise isn't actually introduced well within the book itself. People just start killing each other with no real explanation, which would have been very confusing if I hadn't read the blurb recently before starting it.

This book has two major problems. Firstly, the writing is not great. The pages are littered with both actual editorial mistakes (understandable for an ARC but there are a lot, far more than any other ARC I've ever had) and just poor writing choices. The characters are bland and, in the worst cases, harmful stereotypes. There is a gay stylist who constantly uses the word 'honey' and who, after murdering a black woman, insists on fixing her 'coarse dark hair'. I'm almost certain the racial implications of this were accidental but yikes.

The pacing is similarly poor. You get introduced to all the characters in very repetitive chapters, and then the one with the most personality instantly dies so you don't have a character you have a connection with. Far from being a bloodbath, the rest of the deaths are then paced very oddly. There is no real sense of tension or fear and none of the characters seem particularly scared or bothered by their situation. Again, the only character who wasn't aware of the bloodbath beforehand is murdered straight away so you don't get the benefits of following an outsider in this horrible situation.

Overall, I sadly can't recommend this book. I ended up skim-reading everything after 50% as I just didn't care enough. It's a shame because a book like this has such potential and some of the humour/horror elements were alright. It just had too little going for it.

Overall Rating:

Frankissstein by Jeanette Winterson

I received an ARC of this book thanks to Net Galley and publisher Grove Press in exchange for an honest review.

Oh boy, where to start with this book. I have labelled it a 'DNF' but I did actually pretty much read all of it, I just wanted to DNF it so many times. I requested this book after reading an excerpt and I'm ashamed to say I wish I hadn't. The unusual writing style caught my eye and I thought the plot had huge potential. This is kind of a futuristic retelling of Frankenstein based around sex bots and AI? Honestly I don't know what was going on with this book. The plot became really hard to follow due to the writing style and there were flashback chapters to Mary Shelley which just made me confused and bored. There is however a much bigger problem with this book.

It's transphobic. Very transphobic.

Initially I was excited to read about a trans doctor as the protagonist. Unfortunately the language surrounding the discussion of this character is rife with unfortunate implications. Ry frequently describes himself as now identifying as a man (Ry is a female-to-male trans character) but then explains that he is a hybrid and still a woman and not a real man and aaaaah. Gender fluidity is absolutely a thing and I would happily read about a gender fluid character but this is done all wrong if that's what the author was going for.

This trans character is also specifically fetishised for being a 'hybrid' by his male doctor partner. There is a lot of discussion about genitals etc and this was extremely uncomfortable to read about. I really think more research should have been done because I found this book incredibly problematic so I can't imagine how it would read to a trans audience (Although I did float a few of the problematic things past my trans friends to check I wasn't being unfair. They all agreed that this sounded AWFUL).

Terrible transphobia aside, this book is just super dull. I did skimread until the end and at 80% through, nothing had really happened yet. It's such a shame because I could have really gotten into this book but ultimately, it felt like it was trying too hard to be literary.

Overall Rating:

Method 15/33 by Shannon Kirk

Ooh boy, it has been a while since I've struggled this much to finish a book. Honestly I was so close to DNFing it that I basically skim read the last 100 pages (and it only has about 200 to begin with).

This is not really a thriller. I mean it is but there are zero thrills to be had here. The plot is exactly what the blurb says without any additional twists or surprises. I'm not necessarily someone who believes a thriller needs to have a huge twist to be good but it at least has to be interesting. This could have been an intense story about a pregnant teenage girl trying to escape from kidnappers but our main character recounts the entire thing with all the detached disinterest of someone talking about what they had for breakfast. Speaking of which, the main character of this was awful. I can't even say that I hated her because she didn't have enough of a presence to hate.

So there are two narrators in this book-a 18 year old pregnant teenager and a 30-something year old male FBI agent. Both of these characters are written with the exact same voice. Our teenage protagonist is meant to be 'emotionally gifted' in that she can switch her emotions on and off whenever she likes, and this is quite possibly the most baffling character choice I have ever encountered. All of the potential tension of the story is completely dissolved by having an emotionless main character. How am I meant to root for her? Where is the emotional core of the story? Instead of two protagonists to root for, you get two bland and uninteresting narrators. 50 pages in I already didn't care about either of them.

As mentioned above, the entire plot is very one-note.There is nothing after page 100 to keep you reading and if you're hoping for some kind of plot twist (or even a new development in a story which is over by that point), you're not going to get it. This book is not worth even glancing at to be brutally honest. There are far better stories about people being kidnapped and many, many thrillers more worthy of attention.

Overall Rating:

Only the Truth by Adam Croft

I almost didn't finish this book. Seriously, that's how dull and uninteresting I found the plot. Not going to lie, the main problem of this book is its protagonist/narrator. It has been a long long time since I read about such a self-centered, stereotypically awful male protagonist. There are two female characters in this book and neither of them matter at all in terms of their character. For the most part, you are stuck listening to this whiny, self-pitying jerk narrate the really quite uneventful plot until the sweet release of the ending frees you.

Maybe it seems like I'm being too harsh. This book seems to be popular enough to be advertised to me on Amazon after all. I however can't find a single thing to say about it that's good. The plot sounds promising enough-the main character finds his wife's body in a hotel he's staying at and, in a fit of panic, runs away with his current lover who works there. But...it's just so bad. His wife is given zero personality and the protagonist mourns her very little. Even then, he only uses sentences like 'How can I possibly put into words how much I miss her?' without actually going on to attempt to tackle that challenge. The lover is slightly better but her character is tainted by constant physical descriptions of how slender and short she is, again seemingly the only thing the main character notices about her at all. She is however the only slightly interesting thing about the whole book which makes it even worse when SHE FREAKING DIES HALFWAY THROUGH.

That is the exact point I almost gave up. I basically skim read the rest of the book and I kid you not, it's just him going from one location to another with nothing worthwhile happening until the climax. Speaking of which, it's so painful. The lover turns out to be the one who killed his wife all along (of course, given that she's the ONLY OTHER CHARACTER) and she did it because...he's a jerk? The main character even acknowledges how little sense this makes, that's how bad it is.

Worst of all, the main character has learned precisely nothing by the end and escapes with no ramifications except a dead wife (we know just how much he cares about that). I actually agree wholeheartedly with the bad guy here and I'm not entirely sure I'm meant to. Aside from the fact she should have killed him rather than his wife, she was 100% right in my eyes. Ultimately, when you actively want the protagonist to suffer horribly, I don't consider that a great book.

Overall Rating:

The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han

Dear Lord I hated this book. What's more, I hate it in a way which makes me angry that other people have given it good reviews.

First things first-this book is terribly written. As in, so bad it's painful. Sentences are phrased so badly that I genuinely started to think the author was just screwing with her readers.

'The thing is, Susannah was right. It was a summer I'd never, ever forget. It was the summer everything began. It was the summer I turned pretty. Because for the first time, I felt it. Pretty, I mean. Every summer up to this one, I believed it'd be different. Life would be different. And that summer, it finally was. I was.'

'It was also ironic, Steven teasing me about being flat-chested, because two summers later I had to wear a bra, but, like, for real.'

'Compared to you, everyone else is saltines, even Cam. And I hate saltines. You know that. You know everything about me, even this, which is that I really love you.'

The main character is supposed to be 15 but she reads more like a 12 year old. She has the super irritating problem of not being able to decide what guy she actually likes. Apparently she falls for Conrad when she's 10 and yet she also kinda likes his brother Jeremy when her friend flirts with him and she also likes a guy who hits on her at a party. Really, she just comes across as someone who craves male attention of any kind and will instantly 'fall in love' with whoever gives her that attention. She's also incredibly vain and self-centred.

'Had he caught me looking at myself in the mirror, checking myself out, admiring myself? Did everyone think I was vain and shallow now?'

'Was this because of me? All summer, Conrad's moodiness, locking himself up in his room-- had it really been because of me? Was it more than just his parents divorcing? Had he been that upset over seeing me with someone else?'

NO YOU IDIOT HIS MUM HAS CANCER.

The boys weren't much better but at least they were likeable. This is the kind of book which drains brain cells when you read it. I don't know what else I can say except for stay far, far away.

Overall Score:

A Beautiful Wedding by Jamie McGuire

Okay, I am now utterly convinced that Jamie McGuire has come to her senses and realised what a terrible thing she has created in these romance books. Because that's the only way I can explain how ridiculous this is.

'It was full of thought. A heavy, thoughtful thought that made me think heavier, thoughtful thoughts. But not second thoughts.'

Is this deliberately silly in an attempt to be humorous? Or just terrible? I'm inclined to go with the latter.

'Adrenaline burst from where adrenaline bursts from'

Yep, definitely terrible writing.

Okay, so this is the book which retcons Abby and Travis's awful decision to get married out of love and instead makes it an awful decision to get married so Travis won't go to prison for the fire in the last book. Because you know, that totally makes sense. This is basically just 96 pages of drivel about their wedding and I think the author knows it. What makes me think that? Well, there are just odd details which seem...off. Like Travis makes a big deal out of getting an Elvis impersonator for their wedding and actually describes having one as being 'classy'. And the colour scheme for said wedding is purple and freaking orange. I'm pretty sure by this point, Jamie McGuire is openly screwing with her readers to see how much crap she can get away with.

All of the things which made the last books so terrifying are still here. Mommy issues!

“I saw pictures of my parents’ wedding. I thought Mom was the most beautiful bride I’d ever see. Then I saw you at the chapel, and I changed my mind.”

Intense, disturbingly unhealthy jealousy!

'I shook my head. “We don’t go to clubs without each other. She wouldn’t do that.”'

'She’d left the day before, and that was the first time we’d been apart since we’d been married.' 

They've been together a year at this point.

'Griffin placed the transfer onto my skin and pressed. Travis looked like he wanted to kill him for touching me.'

The guy in that last one is a tattoo artist by the way. Yep, she's having his name tattooed onto her and he's still jealous.

Oh god, I am so done with these books. I'm not sure what else I can say except for the fact I've read three of them now and all three are the same story. Not even in a technical way, I mean literally the same story. Thank god there aren't any more of them because I don't think I could handle another.

Also, what the hell happened to their dog? This particular plot device doesn't even get a single mention which means I can only assume it perished horribly in the fire and completely missed out on the whole vapid wedding.

Lucky thing.

Overall Score:

Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Hey look, it's the sequel no one wanted!

Actually no, the word 'sequel' is far too kind. It's more like 'Hey look, it's the rehashing of the first story no one wanted which is basically identical in every way!'. I read this book mostly out of curiosity, prepared to give it the same meh review I gave the first one. But this book has made me angry.

Walking Disaster is essentially Beautiful Disaster told from Travis's point of view. At first I was sort of hopeful. Maybe he won't seem so crazy and abusive if it's told from his POV. But dear god, I actually think it manages to do the impossible and make it worse.

In my review of the first one I didn't really go into detail about what exactly made their relationship so dysfunctional. Now though I am far too pissed to let things slide.

 This relationship is so messed up. This book begins with a scene of Travis's mother dying in which her last words are basically 'Find someone you love and fight for them'. These words then essentially cause Travis to lose his shit completely whilst pursuing Abby, convinced that 'fighting' translates to being an utter douchebag. One paragraph at the end of the book describes how he feels at peace once him and Abby are married since he has finally done exactly what his mother wanted him to. That is not wanting to follow good advice from a dying parent, that's a terrifying obsession. There is also some very uncomfortable Freudian-esque subtext here which is followed up later. The way Travis and his family talk about Abby, it's pretty clear they consider her a replacement mother. If that doesn't make your skin crawl then don't worry, there's plenty of other stuff which will.

Travis falls into that classic Madonna-Whore complex thing. Every girl in the world is a slut (or as he calls them, 'vultures') because she sleeps with him, with the exception of Abby of course. This brings us to the origin of Abby's nickname 'Pigeon' which believe me, is frigging hilarious.

'I decided a long time ago I would feed on vultures until a dove came along. A pigeon.'

Dear god, this whole thing is nonsensical. It's painfully obvious this was just shoehorned in to try and explain the nickname and it doesn't make a lick of sense. I could maybe swallow it if he called her 'dove' but he just jumps from dove to pigeon with zero logic. Better yet, he uses this weird comment with his dad later on who instantly understands despite no explanation.

Travis is a hypocrite. Of course he's allowed to ogle Abby and constantly talk about how beautiful/sexy/desirable she is. Heaven forbid any other guy who does it though because clearly they just want to get into her pants whereas his feelings are TRUE LOVE!

'I imagined Parker noticing her soft, shiny skin as I had, but with less appreciation and more salaciousness.'

Guess what else? Abby and Travis don't practice safe sex. It's okay though because if you do it a certain time after your period then you totally can't get pregnant, no siree!

All this book succeeds in doing is making Travis look even more insane than he did in the first one. Essentially every thought he has is about Abby. He's constantly jealous and aggressive, and every time she isn't with him the man can barely function enough to put on clothes. He brings her to a fight because he can't stand the thought of her being away from him for two seconds and yet then spends the whole time worried she's going to get hit on by some other guy. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC, THIS IS A SIGN OF SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.

Overall, the story is exactly the same as the first time round. The fire which was the 'big ending' of the first book gets completely brushed over, almost as though the author realised how stupid it was but was already too heavily invested to stop. There's a godawful prologue tacked on where Travis is a secret service agent and they have twins and dear god, I couldn't care less. There is one more novella which I may power through out of sheer curiosity but trust me when I say this series is better left alone. Anyone who thinks Travis is a perfect love interest needs professional help.

Overall Score:

Candy and the Broken Biscuits by Lauren Laverne

Okay, confession time. I never actually finished this book. Actually, I never even made it past chapter five. So why am I reviewing it you ask? Well, because this book made me so damn angry, that's why.

It's not often I don't finish a book. It's only happened twice before and never out of anger, only boredom. But Candy has the dubious honour of being the first book to break my grand tradition of perseverance and for that reason, I hate it all the more.

It all started off so well too. Admittedly it was never going to be a great piece of literature, but it was a fun, fluffy chick-lit teen book, similar to Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging and other books of that ilk.

And then the Fairy Godbrother showed up.

Never have I been more shocked in my life by a sudden change in genre. Wait, this isn't a realistic (well, as realistic as the genre gets) teen novel? This is a magical realism type book instead?

Oh.

It was at this point I put the book down in disgust, annoyed by the change coming out of nowhere. I tried to continue on three more times before finally dismissing it as too ridiculous and banishing it to the pile of books never to be read (presently consisting of this book and Eragon) Don't get me wrong, I don't mind tales with a fantastical twist. In fact, I welcome them. But you have to foreshadow it accurately or at least mention in the blurb what it's about otherwise you're just going to end up pissing off your readers. Admittedly a 'Fairy Godbrother' is mentioned in the blurb but in such a way that it could easily be construed as a metaphor.

Perhaps someday I'll finish Candy and give it a proper review. Or perhaps it will rot for all eternity in my pile of unreadable books, never to be touched again. I know which is more likely.

Overall Score: