Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 10-15

Brief Recap: Ana meets Grey's mother, Grey gives her a computer and they start emailing. Ana reads the contract properly, they meet to discuss it and eventually she agrees to be Grey's sub. Also Ana graduates.

Thoughts: Ah, now here's the dickish Christian Grey I was waiting for. Not that he hasn't shown signs of being a dick before this point but this is the part of the book where he really becomes intolerable. There are red flags all over this relationship.

"But I'm worried you'll hurt me."

~

"I could make you stay," he threatens

~

"You scare me when you're angry,"

NONE OF THESE ARE SIGNS YOU SHOULD BE ENTERING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN ANA. Especially not when he literally says he doesn't want you to think about what's right because he'll do it for you.

 “All those decisions – all the wearying thought processes behind them. The – is this the right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now? You wouldn't have to worry about any of that detail.”

Christian is sooooo creepy. As a joke, Ana sends him an email saying 'it was nice knowing you'. He takes it seriously and shows up at her house to persuade her through sex to change her mind. Sure, he concedes on minor points and to be fair, Ana has a lot more of a backbone than I expected. But she completely ignores the fact she doesn't want a sub/dom relationship. She basically says 'I don't want to be whipped' and he's like 'No, you'll like it, trust me'. And she agrees to it! This is some deeply unhealthy relationship stuff here.

I expected to hate the emails but honestly, they're probably one of the best parts. At least Ana sticks up for herself more via email. Also there's no weird asparagus flirting.

Chapter 15 ends with them having sex for the first time since she agreed to be his sub and what does he do? Tell her she can do anything she wants, she's in charge! He basically taunts her with what she won't ever experience with him again.

This is definitely the worst set of chapters so far. I have a horrible feeling this is the start of a very slippery slope

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 6-10

Brief Recap: Ana wakes up in Grey's bed and he tells her they slept together but didn't have sex (still creepy). Also she isn't wearing pants. He tells her he likes her but there are some things she should know about him before they go any further. He then kisses her dramatically in the elevator because mixed messages are perfectly acceptable. Later on they go to his house and he introduces her to his Room of Eternal Kinkiness and shows her the Sub/Dom contract. She informs him she's a virgin and he's so outraged that he generously takes her virginity right there and then. Sexy times happen, morning times happen and the chapter ends with the arrival of Grey's mother.

Thoughts: Well, we have our first sex scene! And it didn't disappoint. A lot of these chapters is just setting up the whole BDSM concept which unfortunately is kinda problematic. You see, Grey's 'contract' isn't really what BDSM is all about. I mean, it can be but it's a much more mutual thing than this book makes out. Just because Grey is the Dom doesn't mean he gets to decide everything about their relationship without any discussion whatsoever. Also, his reaction to Ana's virgin status is definitely not okay. Despite claiming he doesn't do 'vanilla', he has regular sex with her so she can see what it's like. He is the true king of mixed messages, doing things whilst claiming the whole time that he 'never does them'.

The sex scenes themselves aren't the worst I've ever read but they're hardly realistic. Ana's first time and she feels no pain and has three orgasms. Also, there's even more of unrealistically innocent Ana here. Apparently she has never masturbated/orgasmed either because she's had no sexual feelings whatsoever until Christian shows up with his magical penis.

Christian. Oh dear lord. He has sex like a robot, I swear.

'I am going to take you from behind, Anastasia'.
'Anastasia, I am going to come in your mouth '.
'Error 404-orgasm file not found'.

Ana's subconscious is starting to get on my wick as well. It honestly reads like Ana has some deep psychological problem with the way she's either berating herself or urging herself to be more daring. This kind of inner conflict isn't healthy guys! Ana's repressing so hard that there's no way it can end well.

I'm interested to see how much of the book becomes sex after this. Since the last 5 chapters featured no one but Ana and Christian, it doesn't bode well for the rest of it.

Current Opinion: Getting worse but still palatable

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 1-5

So I've finally decided to do it. Yes, I am going to read 50 Shades of Grey. In order to be able to stomach it though (and to give it a more detailed review) I'm going to split it up into sets of 5 chapters. Hopefully this will make it easier to swallow.

I don't think this really needs much background explanation. If you don't know this book, Google it. Done? Okay, good. So this was a Twilight fanfiction turned goldmine BDSM book. The basic story is vulnerable virgin meets experienced sexy millionaire and they have lots of kinky sexy sex together. I probably won't be too graphic in my reviews of this but I might quote particularly funny parts so be warned if that sort of thing offends you.

Brief recap of chapter contents: Anastasia Steele (henceforth known as 'Ana') meets Christian Grey when she has to interview him for her college newspaper. They then meet again at her place of work where he buys rope and cable ties (subtle book) and finally yet again for a photo shoot. This leads to a coffee date. Ana goes out after her final exams and gets super drunk, hit on by her friend Jose and rescued by Grey.

Thoughts: Okay, so far this isn't as bad as I feared. Christian is a douche from the get go but Ana is not as weak as I expected, nor as one-dimensional. She's still not great but she has a pretty substantial
life of her own at the moment. Of course, I fully expect this to vanish when they actually start having a romance.

Kate is a plot device really, nothing more. She's someone for Ana to muse about occasionally and to talk to about Christian. Again, she's alright but suffers from a bad case of 'show don't tell'. Instead of describing Kate through actions, we know everything we know about her because Ana tells us it.

Things that annoy me so far-Ana is far too innocent, weirdly so. Apparently she has never drunk before she gets super drunk in Chapter 5 which I find it very hard to believe given that she's 21 and has just finished college. Of course, it would be different if it was a personal choice but it seems more like she's just never gotten round to it. Christian is also awful in this chapter-after rescuing Ana from sexual assault and watching her throw up, he then takes her to the dance floor and they dance until she literally passes out. Because clearly the perfect time to tango is right after you've vomited up two litres of margaritas.

Unfortunately, far too many elements of this remind me of Twilight. Jose is very similar to Jacob in physical description and the role he plays as the best friend/third love triangle part. Their dads are best friends too (something I'm sure will never be mentioned again and so serves only to highlight its Twilight roots) and he does the forceful kiss thing Jacob does. That aside, Grey saves Ana's life from a vehicle like Edward does and Ana has a crappy car like Bella. Coupled with the fact Kate falls for Christian's brother, there are too many similarities here for me to be comfortable with it. Hopefully this will change later on.

Current opinion: Not as bad as I feared

Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles

To give this book some credit, it was not as bad as I expected. That is to say, it's not as bad as Beautiful Disaster which is the standard I now compare all these sorts of romance books to. Having said that, boy is this book one steaming pile of clichés.

Brittany is your typical blonde girl perfectionist, Alex is your typical bad boy Mexican gang member. They get the hots for each other, they fight, they finally get together, some ridiculous conflict gets in the way...there's nothing new here is what I'm saying. But on the whole, it was marginally better than the worst I've seen of these bad boy books. So what didn't I like?

1) The romance-Okay, this might seem a bit obvious at first. But what I mean is, unlike some examples the courting of these two star-crossed teens is actually okay. There's no stalking (just mild kidnapping), boundaries are respected and they don't even kiss for like a 100 pages. But the second these two get together it all falls apart. Literally, for the two or three chapters they're 'happy' before the standard conflict kicks in, all they do is fight and prove how different they are. How I'm supposed to think they have a happy future is beyond me but thank god for the epilogue to prove me wrong!

2) The epilogue-Alright, the kid thing was cute if not entirely clichéd. I'm talking more about the fact they went to the same college and both decided to take Chemistry and then developed a not-quite-cure for Alzheimer's, presumably together. Because you know, the book went to such lengths to show us how much they love and are dedicated to that subject. Also GET IT THEY HAVE CHEMISTRY LOL

3) ALL THE GRATUITOUS SPANISH.

Yes, Alex is Mexican. We get it, Mexicans are hot. But literally, every scene with them has so much Spanish sprinkled around that it feels like burritos are being jammed down my throat as I read it

4) The 'mystery' of Alex's father's death-Because it was so obvious.

All in all, this book has some nice elements. I liked Brittany's sister and I think she added an element not usually explored in YA fiction. Also unlike some romances, there were actually quite a lot of prominent side characters and the main characters definitely had a life outside their relationship. If you like this genre then you could do far worse than this book. If not, well you're probably not going to read it anyway

Overall Score:

A Beautiful Wedding by Jamie McGuire

Okay, I am now utterly convinced that Jamie McGuire has come to her senses and realised what a terrible thing she has created in these romance books. Because that's the only way I can explain how ridiculous this is.

'It was full of thought. A heavy, thoughtful thought that made me think heavier, thoughtful thoughts. But not second thoughts.'

Is this deliberately silly in an attempt to be humorous? Or just terrible? I'm inclined to go with the latter.

'Adrenaline burst from where adrenaline bursts from'

Yep, definitely terrible writing.

Okay, so this is the book which retcons Abby and Travis's awful decision to get married out of love and instead makes it an awful decision to get married so Travis won't go to prison for the fire in the last book. Because you know, that totally makes sense. This is basically just 96 pages of drivel about their wedding and I think the author knows it. What makes me think that? Well, there are just odd details which seem...off. Like Travis makes a big deal out of getting an Elvis impersonator for their wedding and actually describes having one as being 'classy'. And the colour scheme for said wedding is purple and freaking orange. I'm pretty sure by this point, Jamie McGuire is openly screwing with her readers to see how much crap she can get away with.

All of the things which made the last books so terrifying are still here. Mommy issues!

“I saw pictures of my parents’ wedding. I thought Mom was the most beautiful bride I’d ever see. Then I saw you at the chapel, and I changed my mind.”

Intense, disturbingly unhealthy jealousy!

'I shook my head. “We don’t go to clubs without each other. She wouldn’t do that.”'

'She’d left the day before, and that was the first time we’d been apart since we’d been married.' 

They've been together a year at this point.

'Griffin placed the transfer onto my skin and pressed. Travis looked like he wanted to kill him for touching me.'

The guy in that last one is a tattoo artist by the way. Yep, she's having his name tattooed onto her and he's still jealous.

Oh god, I am so done with these books. I'm not sure what else I can say except for the fact I've read three of them now and all three are the same story. Not even in a technical way, I mean literally the same story. Thank god there aren't any more of them because I don't think I could handle another.

Also, what the hell happened to their dog? This particular plot device doesn't even get a single mention which means I can only assume it perished horribly in the fire and completely missed out on the whole vapid wedding.

Lucky thing.

Overall Score:

Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Hey look, it's the sequel no one wanted!

Actually no, the word 'sequel' is far too kind. It's more like 'Hey look, it's the rehashing of the first story no one wanted which is basically identical in every way!'. I read this book mostly out of curiosity, prepared to give it the same meh review I gave the first one. But this book has made me angry.

Walking Disaster is essentially Beautiful Disaster told from Travis's point of view. At first I was sort of hopeful. Maybe he won't seem so crazy and abusive if it's told from his POV. But dear god, I actually think it manages to do the impossible and make it worse.

In my review of the first one I didn't really go into detail about what exactly made their relationship so dysfunctional. Now though I am far too pissed to let things slide.

 This relationship is so messed up. This book begins with a scene of Travis's mother dying in which her last words are basically 'Find someone you love and fight for them'. These words then essentially cause Travis to lose his shit completely whilst pursuing Abby, convinced that 'fighting' translates to being an utter douchebag. One paragraph at the end of the book describes how he feels at peace once him and Abby are married since he has finally done exactly what his mother wanted him to. That is not wanting to follow good advice from a dying parent, that's a terrifying obsession. There is also some very uncomfortable Freudian-esque subtext here which is followed up later. The way Travis and his family talk about Abby, it's pretty clear they consider her a replacement mother. If that doesn't make your skin crawl then don't worry, there's plenty of other stuff which will.

Travis falls into that classic Madonna-Whore complex thing. Every girl in the world is a slut (or as he calls them, 'vultures') because she sleeps with him, with the exception of Abby of course. This brings us to the origin of Abby's nickname 'Pigeon' which believe me, is frigging hilarious.

'I decided a long time ago I would feed on vultures until a dove came along. A pigeon.'

Dear god, this whole thing is nonsensical. It's painfully obvious this was just shoehorned in to try and explain the nickname and it doesn't make a lick of sense. I could maybe swallow it if he called her 'dove' but he just jumps from dove to pigeon with zero logic. Better yet, he uses this weird comment with his dad later on who instantly understands despite no explanation.

Travis is a hypocrite. Of course he's allowed to ogle Abby and constantly talk about how beautiful/sexy/desirable she is. Heaven forbid any other guy who does it though because clearly they just want to get into her pants whereas his feelings are TRUE LOVE!

'I imagined Parker noticing her soft, shiny skin as I had, but with less appreciation and more salaciousness.'

Guess what else? Abby and Travis don't practice safe sex. It's okay though because if you do it a certain time after your period then you totally can't get pregnant, no siree!

All this book succeeds in doing is making Travis look even more insane than he did in the first one. Essentially every thought he has is about Abby. He's constantly jealous and aggressive, and every time she isn't with him the man can barely function enough to put on clothes. He brings her to a fight because he can't stand the thought of her being away from him for two seconds and yet then spends the whole time worried she's going to get hit on by some other guy. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC, THIS IS A SIGN OF SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.

Overall, the story is exactly the same as the first time round. The fire which was the 'big ending' of the first book gets completely brushed over, almost as though the author realised how stupid it was but was already too heavily invested to stop. There's a godawful prologue tacked on where Travis is a secret service agent and they have twins and dear god, I couldn't care less. There is one more novella which I may power through out of sheer curiosity but trust me when I say this series is better left alone. Anyone who thinks Travis is a perfect love interest needs professional help.

Overall Score:

Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Wow. Just...wow.

Okay, now I've read my fair share of 'bad boy' books. You know the kind. 'Oh, this guy is such a creepy jerk and he's stalking me but he's hot so it's okay'. Well let me tell you now, Travis Maddox is the worst of them. Yes, the impossible has been achieved and we finally have a romantic fantasy figure creepier than Edward Cullen.

Travis Maddox is not someone people should dream about being with. He's possessive, he's emotionally unstable, he flies into fits of rage and he punches every other guy who so much as looks at Abby. And guess what? He never gets called out on his behaviour! In the end him and Abby end up happily married and with matching, possessive tattoos. No, seriously. Abby literally ends up branded with his name like a prize cow.

 

So yes, Beautiful Disaster is one of 'those' books. In fact, laughably so. In the first scene Abby is wearing pearls and a cardigan just to emphasise how sweet and innocent she is, while Travis is introduced with a lengthy description of his tattoos and a scene which involves him bare-knuckle boxing. Only wait, there's a twist! See, Abby isn't the good girl everyone thinks she is. No, it turns out she has a secret...

Her father gambles. That's literally it.

Oh come on. That's not even an issue, especially since Abby's dad is naturally one of Travis's heroes so he just finds it cool. You know what would have been refreshing? If Abby's secret was she used to be a slut. Seriously, now that would have been worth reading. Travis would have to cope with his insane jealousy and confront the fact that he wasn't the only person she'd slept with. That would have involved working through his issues and you know, some actual conflict. Instead we get this half-baked subplot of her dad owing money to some mobsters in Vegas and god, who cares really?

Travis and Abby are without a doubt, the King and Queen of Dysfunctional Relationships. There is not one ounce of drama in this book which doesn't stem from one or both of them acting completely crazy. Side characters are hardly any better, with Abby's friend constantly urging her on to get with the crazy psychopath who completely trashed his apartment when he found out she left him and who chases away other guys when they're not even together. There is one reason and one reason alone to read this book-comedy value. The one upside is it isn't terribly written and I doubt anyone is actually stupid enough to believe this is what a relationship should be like.

Overall Score: