The Birds, The Bees, and You and Me by Olivia Hinebaugh

This book. This book makes me feel conflicted in a way I haven't for a while. The Birds, The Bees, and You and Me is the story of Lacey, a teenage girl who has been raised to be very informed about sexual health. When her school starts running terrible sex ed lessons, she takes matters into her own hands and begins teaching her classmates about sexual matters. However, this is only a small part of the book. Lacey is best friends with Theo and Evita, who used to date but broke up due to Evita's asexuality. Theo has a new girlfriend who neither Lacey nor Evita really like. Lacey has started to develop feelings for Theo, and she is also conflicted about whether to spend her future studying to be a nurse (like her mum) or following her music passion (like her friends want her to).

I'm gonna start with the positives of this book because there are a few. Firstly, the sexual health stuff is all great. It's handled a little obviously but that doesn't bother me in a book like this and there are a few self-aware moments of characters being preachy. I really liked the pregnant teen plotline and all of the nurse stuff, while possibly unrealistic, was very unique and enjoyable to read about. Evita is asexual and honestly such a fantastic character. Aside from being a little mean to Theo, she is a great friend to Lacey throughout and is unrealistically understanding about absolutely everything. At the beginning, I also really liked Lacey and Theo. My fondness for Lacey mostly remained throughout but Theo...

Oh Theo.

This romance was BAD. There was nothing inherently wrong with it on the surface but there were a lot of unfortunate choices made. Firstly, Theo and Lacey had such a good friendship at the start. The second romance came into it, I stopped being interesting in their relationship. Theo set off all kinds of warning bells I don't think he was meant to. He was secretive, he put a wedge between Lacey and her friends, he was instantly controlling and negative about her potentially not going to the same college as him. I kept waiting for the narrative to reveal their relationship was a bad idea and for Lacey to dump him but that never happened. The only part I liked were their sex scenes and that's only because they were written so well. They demonstrated how to have discussions about consent and boundaries without it ruining the mood, and how good sexual communication should work.

I really really wish this hadn't been a romance. It could have worked so much better without that plot and I hated seeing Lacey and Evita's friendship being disturbed by some guy. Even with Evita magically being the most understanding person ever, Lacey never really addressed how rubbish she was to her friend and it felt like Theo was happy for things to stay that way. So many elements of this book are good so it seems a shame to rate it so low, but I just couldn't enjoy it the way it was written.

Overall Rating:

.5

Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

SPOILERS AHEAD.

Oh boy. I am not going to win any fans for this one. So this book has been on my TBR list for four years now. One of my closest friends recommended it to me waaaay back in first year of university and I earnestly promised to read it as he said it was one of his favourite books. Flash forward to 2018-the movie is coming out and I am reminded of this book's existence. I excitedly text him to say I'm finally starting to read it and I begin.

Aaaaaaaaah.

This book is bad. Painfully bad. Reading it is like being punched in the stomach by someone you hate only you're not allowed to complain about it because you have only yourself to blame. The only way I can accurately do my hatred of this book justice is to break it down into subtitles so apologies if it seems disjointed. There is just a LOT of ground to cover.

Plot Summary

The setting is 2045 and the world has gone to crap. Our protagonist is a teenage boy named Wade Watts, an orphan who spends all of his time in an online virtual world called the Oasis. That's all everyone does now-that and make endless 80s references. You see, the guy who made the Oasis died and left behind a video saying he would give 240 billion (yes, BILLION) dollars to whoever finds his hidden Easter egg first. In order to have a chance of finding this Easter egg, you have to memorise every piece of pop culture from the 80s ever. No that isn't a joke. Wade is the biggest geek and therefore of course will undertake the quest to find the egg first. By 'quest' I mean spending four years watching and reading stuff, then finally getting off his ass to do something.

Problem #1-SO MUCH EIGHTIES

Many people appear to love this book because of the endless references to everything nerdy. These people are severely misguided. You see, Cline employs the absolute laziness way of referencing stuff which is to just namecheck everything in a massive stream of pop culture vomit. If the reference isn't included as part of an obnoxiously long list, then you can bet it will be inserted into a paragraph of description in the most distracting way possible. Characters, places, even the music in tense scenes is replaced with a reference to a better work of fiction.

'She was so charming. Her geeky demeanor and hyperkinetic speech pattern reminded me of Jordan, my favorite character in Real Genius'

How distracting is that? It fails on two counts because if you don't get the reference, well you suck for not being nerdy enough (more on that later). If you do get the reference however, then you can't possibly think of anything other than the character from that movie from then onward. It ruins any description Cline does bother to write and it jerks you out of the story like a car crash.

Problem #2-Show don't tell

So the finding of the first key is kind of glossed over a bit (I mean, if you can call 10 chapters or so 'glossed over') which I guess is done because finding it is a given. Unfortunately this results in one of the worst narrative mistakes an author can make and that is simply telling the reader about stuff instead of bothering to describe it. It's honestly baffling when Wade finds out the location of the first key, calculates it will take him three days to get there and then just immediately comes up with an alternative plan. Then he teleports there and makes his way through a dungeon in the space of a sentence. Cline literally lists him finding loot until he reaches the big boss of the dungeon and it's such a bizarre decision. I guess it's because if you've played the game he's referencing, that would be rather dull to read about. Alas it is dull anyway and you could have done so much cool stuff with detailing Wade's journey and have him battling things. Even fans of the game could have enjoyed in-depth references.

This is not a one-off either. Too often the author resorts to simply listing things or skimming over certain details. I don't need to read about everything but why bring something up instead of simply using a time skip or a change of scene? This is also linked closely with the next problem...

Problem #3-No suspense allowed

For the first half of this book (and even a bit beyond that) the author seems petrified to let the reader experience any kind of suspense. Finding the first key is told with the knowledge that Wade will succeed but that does not excuse things like this happening:

'I breathed a sigh of relief. (I wouldn’t learn until later that the keys were nontransferable. You couldn’t drop one of them, or give them to another avatar. And if you were killed while holding one, it vanished right along with your body.)'

So throughout this scene we're not sure if he's going to be attacked and lose the key he just gained. Then Art3mis tries to attack him and the above sentence happens, immediately removing any kind of suspense. By telling us so early on that keys can't be stolen, it removes so much potential tension from later scenes. Again, stuff like this happens repeatedly.

Problem #4-Wade is too good

The other major reason the story lacks any suspense is that Wade basically never struggles with anything. It is astonishing how many skills this guy supposedly has. He is one of the first people to work out the location of the first key and gets it immediately, even though Art3mis has been trying for five weeks. Granted he struggles with working out the second key but only with working it out. The actual nerd skills needed to complete any challenge, he has in spades. None of these skills are foreshadowed either (beyond us being told repeatedly how awesome and nerdy he is) so every time it's like 'I approached the place, waiting to see what the next challenge would be. It was this thing. Sweet, I'm awesome at this thing.'. I was just waiting for him to encounter something he wasn't amazing at and it never really happened.

At one point when Wade is in hiding and is all depressed, he becomes incredibly obese. He then installs a fitness program onto his virtual system and within months (literally months) he gains abs and becomes very muscular. I can understand having a computer program help you lose weight making it much easier but it's still ridiculous. It doesn't explain how he loses that weight healthily when it's so much in such a short space of time. It's just another thing that he does effortlessly.

Problem #5-No one has that much time

This book is all over the place when it comes to logic and time. So Wade is poor and we're told right at the start of the book that he has to scavenge and sell computers for food since his aunt steals all of his government-issued food. This is then never mentioned again. He also attends school which presumably follows the usual full-time school structure. Four years have passed since the start of the egg hunt and yet somehow Wade has had the time to consume thousands of hours of films, TV shows, books and videogames. How? For example, just one thing Wade claims to have done is watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail 157 times. That is almost ten days worth of watching just one film.

This continues much later on when we're suddenly told that he has had to take on a full-time 40 hour a week job (with 10 hour shifts) and yet he still has time to go into the Oasis all the time and still hunt for the egg. What??? It doesn't make any sense.

Problem #6-Is this even a romance?

Not gonna lie, I have quite a few issues with how Art3mis and Wade's relationship goes down in this book. He has a crush on her before he meets her and when he does meet her, we get some truly cringe-worthy flirting between them.

'“You’re evil, you know that?” I said.

She grinned and shook her head. “Chaotic Neutral, sugar.”'

That line was so bad that it almost ruined the magical idea of romance a lifetime of watching Disney movies has instilled in me.

It does get marginally better but it still really bothers me. Art3mis makes a lot of good points about how Wade only gets to see what she wants him to see since they've only interacted online. And she repeatedly says she looks nothing like her avatar which he repeatedly ignores. Good thing she was lying right? This discussion also leads to one of the most godawful please-can-I-stop-reading moments in the whole damn book:

'Art3mis: How well do you know Aech?

Parzival: He’s been my best friend for five years. Now, spill it. Are you a woman? And by that I mean are you a human female who has never had a sex-change operation?

Art3mis: That’s pretty specific.

Parzival: Answer the question, Claire'

If some guy spoke like that to me, I would never ever speak to him again. This was written in 2011 for god's sake, there's no excuse for transphobia.

Just after the halfway point, we get the obligatory break-up due to Art3mis wanting to focus on the contest (though she is adamant they were never dating, something Wade repeatedly ignores). Wade then bombards her with messages etc to try and get her back. I honestly don't know how the author meant us to interpret this because he does get her in the end but it's not as a result of his behaviour. However, it's still another point against our hero.

I also dislike the faint 'not like other girls' vibe going on in the narration. Wade takes time to point out how Art3mis has a curvy but normal build, unlike EVERY OTHER GIRL who apparently are all either stick-thin or have porn star bodies. Because of course most girls would choose to look like a male fantasy.

Finally, there's a scene where Art3mis and Wade discuss what they would do with the money. Wade says he'd buy a mansion and cool stuff and Art3mis says she would feed all the starving people in the world. You know, because dystopia. Wade MOCKS her for this. This is never really resolved apart from a glib joke by Wade later.

Problem #7-All the other crap

1. There is so much racism in regards to the Japanese characters.

2. Aech is apparently one of the most famous players in the Oasis at the start of the book, has a really cool hangout and yet has no friends apart from Wade.

3. Why do they hang out with I-r0k? Seriously, no one likes him and he exists only to mess stuff up later. Oh, and also so Wade can prove his knowledge in one of the hardest scenes to swallow (I've dealt with a lot of sucky gatekeeper nerd guys in my time).

'I nodded. “The prizes were all mentioned in the Swordquest comic books that came with the games. Comic books which happen to be visible in the treasure room in the final scene of Anorak’s Invitation, by the way.”

The crowd burst into applause. I-r0k lowered his head in shame.'

Never has a scene made me root for a protagonist less.

4. If Halliday intended the true message to be 'don't waste your life in the Oasis', why did he create an impossibly hard contest designed to make everyone spend their time in the Oasis consuming the exact same pop culture he did?

5. Wade says this stupid insult '“Your mom bought them for me,” I retorted without breaking my stride. “Tell her I said thanks, the next time you stop at home to breast-feed and pick up your allowance.”' followed by 'At this school, the only real weapons were words, so I’d become skilled at wielding them'. Skilled. With dialogue like that. Sure.

6. Halliday sounds like an awful awful person. Wade takes the time to point out he fired people for not understanding his references and yeah, that makes him awful.

7. Name-dropping Revenge of the Nerds as a good movie. Gross.

8. Oh look, more problematic stuff:

'“Stop hitting yourself like Rain Man, OK?”'

9. Stop. Making. Wade. So. Unlikeable.

'When I reached the bar, I ordered a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from the female Klingon bartender and downed half of it. Then I grinned as R2 cued up another classic ’80s tune. “ ‘Union of the Snake,’ ” I recited, mostly out of habit. “Duran Duran. Nineteen eighty-three.”'

10. The weird blob dancing scene.

Final Thoughts

So after all that, how come this book gets two stars and not one? Well to my utter surprise, after about the halfway point this book improves a lot. Almost all of the references vanish (sadly not quite all) and the actual plot becomes the main focus. It's not a bad plot either, and I even found myself enjoying it at times. Sadly this is not enough for me to recommend this book. It wasn't even enough to cancel out the sheer anger it made me feel.

Mild other positives so this doesn't seem so negative-Art3mis is a pretty cool character. I like how she held her own and she was by far the most sensible and relatable person. Aech isn't bad either really. The plot goes in a weird but not unwelcome direction nearish the end and it was certainly different than what I was expecting.

Overall, I am kind of baffled how this book gets any 5 star reviews. From reading them, they all seem to be written by people who are happy with shallow references and enjoy the gatekeeper aspects. As someone who normally loves a clever reference, I am deeply disappointed by the quality on show here.

It's such a shame because the second half of the book shows how good Ready Player One could have been if it wasn't trying so hard. I would have loved to see more creativity and uniqueness within the world of the Oasis. It also desperately needed a less douchey protagonist.

Overall Rating:

Follow Me by Angela Clarke

This book has got some nerve.

For 330 pages I stuck with this book. It's not that it's not good or well-written, far from it-I actually enjoyed it a fair bit. It's just that it felt long to read and not much new was happening. It definitely dragged a lot but I was hoping the ending would make it all worthwhile. I should have been smarter.

Not only was the ending not worth it, it royally pissed me off. It ripped off Agatha Christie! Not only that, but the author pointed it out themselves in the same way a comedian might point out how unfunny they are. Newsflash-it doesn't make it okay. It just points out how blatantly unoriginal you are being. Also having someone on the inside do the crime? I've only started reading modern crime recently and I'm already sick of this cliche.

Of course, this book has many other flaws for me to pick at. The weird subplot between Nas and Freddie that never ends up amounting to anything. The total lack of suspects which means the crime element is limited to police investigation, incidentally my least favourite part of the crime genre. Speaking of the police, how can anyone be this unaware of Twitter? The police are presented as total idiots throughout and it's basically an excuse to justify the main character being a part of the plot.

This is lazy writing without any effort. I was going to give it kudos for at least having interesting characters and a reasonably compelling narrative voice but it's not worth it after the total ripoff of an ending. Do yourself a favour and just read Christie-she did it much better.

Overall Rating:

.5

Vanishing Girls by Lauren Oliver

MAJOR SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Okay, after being deeply underwhelmed by Panic, my hopes weren't all that high for this book. The blurb sounded interesting but I wasn't sure what to expect. To my surprise though, I actually got drawn in pretty quickly. Unlike Panic, the characters in this book were very compelling and actually felt like detailed, potentially real people.

Imagine my horror when I discovered one of them wasn't real.

Yeah, unfortunately this book decided to go with the whole split-personality thing. To its credit, I didn't see it coming. However, that's mostly because it makes NO FREAKING SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Seriously, I understand that twists kinda seem necessary these days but this book definitely didn't need one. All it needed was a decent resolution to the plot it set up but instead of that, we get this cheap copout ending. It doesn't fit at all with the story-if Dara has been dead all along, why are her parents talking about her in private emails (that Nick doesn't see) as if she's still alive? Why aren't they more concerned by Nick expecting her sister to show up? Why is her phone still so active? When I read the big reveal, I didn't feel excited or satisfied. All I felt was shock followed by a slow, sinking feeling in my gut.

I can't even begin to really explain how disappointed this book made me. There's nothing worse that a book which is almost enjoyable and for that reason I can't give it a very high rating, no matter how good 3/4s of it were.

Overall Score:

.5

The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han

Dear Lord I hated this book. What's more, I hate it in a way which makes me angry that other people have given it good reviews.

First things first-this book is terribly written. As in, so bad it's painful. Sentences are phrased so badly that I genuinely started to think the author was just screwing with her readers.

'The thing is, Susannah was right. It was a summer I'd never, ever forget. It was the summer everything began. It was the summer I turned pretty. Because for the first time, I felt it. Pretty, I mean. Every summer up to this one, I believed it'd be different. Life would be different. And that summer, it finally was. I was.'

'It was also ironic, Steven teasing me about being flat-chested, because two summers later I had to wear a bra, but, like, for real.'

'Compared to you, everyone else is saltines, even Cam. And I hate saltines. You know that. You know everything about me, even this, which is that I really love you.'

The main character is supposed to be 15 but she reads more like a 12 year old. She has the super irritating problem of not being able to decide what guy she actually likes. Apparently she falls for Conrad when she's 10 and yet she also kinda likes his brother Jeremy when her friend flirts with him and she also likes a guy who hits on her at a party. Really, she just comes across as someone who craves male attention of any kind and will instantly 'fall in love' with whoever gives her that attention. She's also incredibly vain and self-centred.

'Had he caught me looking at myself in the mirror, checking myself out, admiring myself? Did everyone think I was vain and shallow now?'

'Was this because of me? All summer, Conrad's moodiness, locking himself up in his room-- had it really been because of me? Was it more than just his parents divorcing? Had he been that upset over seeing me with someone else?'

NO YOU IDIOT HIS MUM HAS CANCER.

The boys weren't much better but at least they were likeable. This is the kind of book which drains brain cells when you read it. I don't know what else I can say except for stay far, far away.

Overall Score:

Pink by Lili Wilkinson

Oh, this book had such potential.

I like its concept, I really do. There are plenty of books about the shallow popular girl embracing who she really is and becoming different. I suppose that really this is just another story about a girl in high school finding her place (maybe that's why it disappointed me) but the protagonist Ava is already a gothic lesbian who is super alternative and hip. Rather than tell the story of someone realising they're gay, this story focuses on someone who is a lesbian trying to work out whether that's what they really are. I like the idea that it's just as okay for someone to change their mind and want to be like a stereotypical teenager as it is for someone to decide they want to be different. There's nothing wrong with wearing pink and being 'popular' if that's who you really are. Or at least, I think that's the message the book started off with.

Oh book, why did you have to let me down?

Here's my main problem with Pink-Ava is a goddamn idiot. Okay, so she changes schools so she can start again and find herself. That I can sort of accept for the sake of the book. But after that it's all downhill. She suspects she's not 100% lesbian so what does she do? Decide that straight away she's going to try to get a boyfriend at her new school. Without a trace of guilt or even a second thought spared for her current girlfriend who she claims to really care about but apparently not enough to care about cheating on. Sure, when she eventually does cheat she reacts with mild horror. But it's not like it was a surprise! She's been planning to cheat for about 50 pages by that point and only now is she thinking of her girlfriend???

Another part of Ava's plan is to get in with the popular kids. Miraculously, she manages it on her first day with three of the most popular girls in school taking her under their wing. So far so good. But oh no, all the popular kids are in the musical and force her to audition! After embarrassing herself at auditions, Ava decides that is it and she must resign herself to hanging out with the losers of the school...despite the fact that actually, none of the popular kids care that she failed her audition. Seriously, no one mocks her for it, her new friends aren't bitchy in the slightest and yet for some reason she acts as though they're being the stereotypical bitch squad of the fictitious high school world.

Okay, so Ava joins the loser squad and continues to mope for most of the book even though a) she still hangs out regularly with the popular kids and b) the loser squad is awesome. Ava mopes and mopes until the third act of the book starts and suddenly everyone is a bitch!

No, really.

Queen Bee girl starts playing the part (which seems really weird and out of place given how nice she is for the rest of it) and her girlfriend Chloe also dials up the bitch and makes unreasonable demands so the plot can justify Ava cheating on her. The whole thing is very messy and feels totally wrong since these aren't the characters we've been reading about the whole book. After everyone goes briefly mean, in rolls the (kinda) happy ending and almost everything is resolved/reverted to the status quo.

I say almost everything because surprise surprise, Ava doesn't actually get with the blatant loser love interest that she pretended not to be interested in the whole time even though she clearly was and he clearly liked her which explains why he was being so weird and distant and erratic. Nope, Ava actually insists that since she doesn't know what she wants, she just wants to be friends with the guy until she's figured out whether she likes boys or girls.

Erm, bisexuality is a thing book. Stop acting like she has to make some big choice, she's entitled to like both! It's actually more common than you think.

Anyway, I would like this ending except for the fact that Ava hasn't been able to make up her goddamn mind the whole book and so it just comes across as her being incredibly indecisive, as well as leading the guy on. She waits until he's confessed his love and she's confessed hers before saying that she doesn't want to be with him and even after he says he doesn't care if she changes her mind later, she still says no. This is a perfectly understandable course of action but my problem is with the execution. Instead of seeming smart and practical, Ava just seems to wimp out.

Ultimately, my main problem with the book is that at the end, Ava hasn't really learned anything. Sure, she fixes all the problems she caused (plus a few she didn't) but ultimately she's in the same position at the end that she is at the start. She still doesn't have a solid friendship group, she still hasn't figured out her sexuality and she's still moronic in all her basic decisions. Honestly, I could accept her being an idiot so long as by the end, she realised how idiotic she was. Instead we just have a story about an idiot who doesn't grow and doesn't really do anything remarkably worthy of a whole book.

I feel like I've been very harsh throughout this review so I would like to say that I didn't hate this book. The side characters were interesting and pretty varied, a welcome change from the usual cookie-cutter losers in high school fiction. I liked that the popular people weren't all bitchy and vapid. Sadly though, I couldn't help but be annoyed by it more than I liked it. In the end, its merits did not cancel out its faults.

Overall Score:

.5

A Beautiful Wedding by Jamie McGuire

Okay, I am now utterly convinced that Jamie McGuire has come to her senses and realised what a terrible thing she has created in these romance books. Because that's the only way I can explain how ridiculous this is.

'It was full of thought. A heavy, thoughtful thought that made me think heavier, thoughtful thoughts. But not second thoughts.'

Is this deliberately silly in an attempt to be humorous? Or just terrible? I'm inclined to go with the latter.

'Adrenaline burst from where adrenaline bursts from'

Yep, definitely terrible writing.

Okay, so this is the book which retcons Abby and Travis's awful decision to get married out of love and instead makes it an awful decision to get married so Travis won't go to prison for the fire in the last book. Because you know, that totally makes sense. This is basically just 96 pages of drivel about their wedding and I think the author knows it. What makes me think that? Well, there are just odd details which seem...off. Like Travis makes a big deal out of getting an Elvis impersonator for their wedding and actually describes having one as being 'classy'. And the colour scheme for said wedding is purple and freaking orange. I'm pretty sure by this point, Jamie McGuire is openly screwing with her readers to see how much crap she can get away with.

All of the things which made the last books so terrifying are still here. Mommy issues!

“I saw pictures of my parents’ wedding. I thought Mom was the most beautiful bride I’d ever see. Then I saw you at the chapel, and I changed my mind.”

Intense, disturbingly unhealthy jealousy!

'I shook my head. “We don’t go to clubs without each other. She wouldn’t do that.”'

'She’d left the day before, and that was the first time we’d been apart since we’d been married.' 

They've been together a year at this point.

'Griffin placed the transfer onto my skin and pressed. Travis looked like he wanted to kill him for touching me.'

The guy in that last one is a tattoo artist by the way. Yep, she's having his name tattooed onto her and he's still jealous.

Oh god, I am so done with these books. I'm not sure what else I can say except for the fact I've read three of them now and all three are the same story. Not even in a technical way, I mean literally the same story. Thank god there aren't any more of them because I don't think I could handle another.

Also, what the hell happened to their dog? This particular plot device doesn't even get a single mention which means I can only assume it perished horribly in the fire and completely missed out on the whole vapid wedding.

Lucky thing.

Overall Score:

Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Hey look, it's the sequel no one wanted!

Actually no, the word 'sequel' is far too kind. It's more like 'Hey look, it's the rehashing of the first story no one wanted which is basically identical in every way!'. I read this book mostly out of curiosity, prepared to give it the same meh review I gave the first one. But this book has made me angry.

Walking Disaster is essentially Beautiful Disaster told from Travis's point of view. At first I was sort of hopeful. Maybe he won't seem so crazy and abusive if it's told from his POV. But dear god, I actually think it manages to do the impossible and make it worse.

In my review of the first one I didn't really go into detail about what exactly made their relationship so dysfunctional. Now though I am far too pissed to let things slide.

 This relationship is so messed up. This book begins with a scene of Travis's mother dying in which her last words are basically 'Find someone you love and fight for them'. These words then essentially cause Travis to lose his shit completely whilst pursuing Abby, convinced that 'fighting' translates to being an utter douchebag. One paragraph at the end of the book describes how he feels at peace once him and Abby are married since he has finally done exactly what his mother wanted him to. That is not wanting to follow good advice from a dying parent, that's a terrifying obsession. There is also some very uncomfortable Freudian-esque subtext here which is followed up later. The way Travis and his family talk about Abby, it's pretty clear they consider her a replacement mother. If that doesn't make your skin crawl then don't worry, there's plenty of other stuff which will.

Travis falls into that classic Madonna-Whore complex thing. Every girl in the world is a slut (or as he calls them, 'vultures') because she sleeps with him, with the exception of Abby of course. This brings us to the origin of Abby's nickname 'Pigeon' which believe me, is frigging hilarious.

'I decided a long time ago I would feed on vultures until a dove came along. A pigeon.'

Dear god, this whole thing is nonsensical. It's painfully obvious this was just shoehorned in to try and explain the nickname and it doesn't make a lick of sense. I could maybe swallow it if he called her 'dove' but he just jumps from dove to pigeon with zero logic. Better yet, he uses this weird comment with his dad later on who instantly understands despite no explanation.

Travis is a hypocrite. Of course he's allowed to ogle Abby and constantly talk about how beautiful/sexy/desirable she is. Heaven forbid any other guy who does it though because clearly they just want to get into her pants whereas his feelings are TRUE LOVE!

'I imagined Parker noticing her soft, shiny skin as I had, but with less appreciation and more salaciousness.'

Guess what else? Abby and Travis don't practice safe sex. It's okay though because if you do it a certain time after your period then you totally can't get pregnant, no siree!

All this book succeeds in doing is making Travis look even more insane than he did in the first one. Essentially every thought he has is about Abby. He's constantly jealous and aggressive, and every time she isn't with him the man can barely function enough to put on clothes. He brings her to a fight because he can't stand the thought of her being away from him for two seconds and yet then spends the whole time worried she's going to get hit on by some other guy. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC, THIS IS A SIGN OF SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.

Overall, the story is exactly the same as the first time round. The fire which was the 'big ending' of the first book gets completely brushed over, almost as though the author realised how stupid it was but was already too heavily invested to stop. There's a godawful prologue tacked on where Travis is a secret service agent and they have twins and dear god, I couldn't care less. There is one more novella which I may power through out of sheer curiosity but trust me when I say this series is better left alone. Anyone who thinks Travis is a perfect love interest needs professional help.

Overall Score:

Candy and the Broken Biscuits by Lauren Laverne

Okay, confession time. I never actually finished this book. Actually, I never even made it past chapter five. So why am I reviewing it you ask? Well, because this book made me so damn angry, that's why.

It's not often I don't finish a book. It's only happened twice before and never out of anger, only boredom. But Candy has the dubious honour of being the first book to break my grand tradition of perseverance and for that reason, I hate it all the more.

It all started off so well too. Admittedly it was never going to be a great piece of literature, but it was a fun, fluffy chick-lit teen book, similar to Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging and other books of that ilk.

And then the Fairy Godbrother showed up.

Never have I been more shocked in my life by a sudden change in genre. Wait, this isn't a realistic (well, as realistic as the genre gets) teen novel? This is a magical realism type book instead?

Oh.

It was at this point I put the book down in disgust, annoyed by the change coming out of nowhere. I tried to continue on three more times before finally dismissing it as too ridiculous and banishing it to the pile of books never to be read (presently consisting of this book and Eragon) Don't get me wrong, I don't mind tales with a fantastical twist. In fact, I welcome them. But you have to foreshadow it accurately or at least mention in the blurb what it's about otherwise you're just going to end up pissing off your readers. Admittedly a 'Fairy Godbrother' is mentioned in the blurb but in such a way that it could easily be construed as a metaphor.

Perhaps someday I'll finish Candy and give it a proper review. Or perhaps it will rot for all eternity in my pile of unreadable books, never to be touched again. I know which is more likely.

Overall Score: