A Beautiful Wedding by Jamie McGuire

Okay, I am now utterly convinced that Jamie McGuire has come to her senses and realised what a terrible thing she has created in these romance books. Because that's the only way I can explain how ridiculous this is.

'It was full of thought. A heavy, thoughtful thought that made me think heavier, thoughtful thoughts. But not second thoughts.'

Is this deliberately silly in an attempt to be humorous? Or just terrible? I'm inclined to go with the latter.

'Adrenaline burst from where adrenaline bursts from'

Yep, definitely terrible writing.

Okay, so this is the book which retcons Abby and Travis's awful decision to get married out of love and instead makes it an awful decision to get married so Travis won't go to prison for the fire in the last book. Because you know, that totally makes sense. This is basically just 96 pages of drivel about their wedding and I think the author knows it. What makes me think that? Well, there are just odd details which seem...off. Like Travis makes a big deal out of getting an Elvis impersonator for their wedding and actually describes having one as being 'classy'. And the colour scheme for said wedding is purple and freaking orange. I'm pretty sure by this point, Jamie McGuire is openly screwing with her readers to see how much crap she can get away with.

All of the things which made the last books so terrifying are still here. Mommy issues!

“I saw pictures of my parents’ wedding. I thought Mom was the most beautiful bride I’d ever see. Then I saw you at the chapel, and I changed my mind.”

Intense, disturbingly unhealthy jealousy!

'I shook my head. “We don’t go to clubs without each other. She wouldn’t do that.”'

'She’d left the day before, and that was the first time we’d been apart since we’d been married.' 

They've been together a year at this point.

'Griffin placed the transfer onto my skin and pressed. Travis looked like he wanted to kill him for touching me.'

The guy in that last one is a tattoo artist by the way. Yep, she's having his name tattooed onto her and he's still jealous.

Oh god, I am so done with these books. I'm not sure what else I can say except for the fact I've read three of them now and all three are the same story. Not even in a technical way, I mean literally the same story. Thank god there aren't any more of them because I don't think I could handle another.

Also, what the hell happened to their dog? This particular plot device doesn't even get a single mention which means I can only assume it perished horribly in the fire and completely missed out on the whole vapid wedding.

Lucky thing.

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Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Hey look, it's the sequel no one wanted!

Actually no, the word 'sequel' is far too kind. It's more like 'Hey look, it's the rehashing of the first story no one wanted which is basically identical in every way!'. I read this book mostly out of curiosity, prepared to give it the same meh review I gave the first one. But this book has made me angry.

Walking Disaster is essentially Beautiful Disaster told from Travis's point of view. At first I was sort of hopeful. Maybe he won't seem so crazy and abusive if it's told from his POV. But dear god, I actually think it manages to do the impossible and make it worse.

In my review of the first one I didn't really go into detail about what exactly made their relationship so dysfunctional. Now though I am far too pissed to let things slide.

 This relationship is so messed up. This book begins with a scene of Travis's mother dying in which her last words are basically 'Find someone you love and fight for them'. These words then essentially cause Travis to lose his shit completely whilst pursuing Abby, convinced that 'fighting' translates to being an utter douchebag. One paragraph at the end of the book describes how he feels at peace once him and Abby are married since he has finally done exactly what his mother wanted him to. That is not wanting to follow good advice from a dying parent, that's a terrifying obsession. There is also some very uncomfortable Freudian-esque subtext here which is followed up later. The way Travis and his family talk about Abby, it's pretty clear they consider her a replacement mother. If that doesn't make your skin crawl then don't worry, there's plenty of other stuff which will.

Travis falls into that classic Madonna-Whore complex thing. Every girl in the world is a slut (or as he calls them, 'vultures') because she sleeps with him, with the exception of Abby of course. This brings us to the origin of Abby's nickname 'Pigeon' which believe me, is frigging hilarious.

'I decided a long time ago I would feed on vultures until a dove came along. A pigeon.'

Dear god, this whole thing is nonsensical. It's painfully obvious this was just shoehorned in to try and explain the nickname and it doesn't make a lick of sense. I could maybe swallow it if he called her 'dove' but he just jumps from dove to pigeon with zero logic. Better yet, he uses this weird comment with his dad later on who instantly understands despite no explanation.

Travis is a hypocrite. Of course he's allowed to ogle Abby and constantly talk about how beautiful/sexy/desirable she is. Heaven forbid any other guy who does it though because clearly they just want to get into her pants whereas his feelings are TRUE LOVE!

'I imagined Parker noticing her soft, shiny skin as I had, but with less appreciation and more salaciousness.'

Guess what else? Abby and Travis don't practice safe sex. It's okay though because if you do it a certain time after your period then you totally can't get pregnant, no siree!

All this book succeeds in doing is making Travis look even more insane than he did in the first one. Essentially every thought he has is about Abby. He's constantly jealous and aggressive, and every time she isn't with him the man can barely function enough to put on clothes. He brings her to a fight because he can't stand the thought of her being away from him for two seconds and yet then spends the whole time worried she's going to get hit on by some other guy. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC, THIS IS A SIGN OF SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.

Overall, the story is exactly the same as the first time round. The fire which was the 'big ending' of the first book gets completely brushed over, almost as though the author realised how stupid it was but was already too heavily invested to stop. There's a godawful prologue tacked on where Travis is a secret service agent and they have twins and dear god, I couldn't care less. There is one more novella which I may power through out of sheer curiosity but trust me when I say this series is better left alone. Anyone who thinks Travis is a perfect love interest needs professional help.

Overall Score:

Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Wow. Just...wow.

Okay, now I've read my fair share of 'bad boy' books. You know the kind. 'Oh, this guy is such a creepy jerk and he's stalking me but he's hot so it's okay'. Well let me tell you now, Travis Maddox is the worst of them. Yes, the impossible has been achieved and we finally have a romantic fantasy figure creepier than Edward Cullen.

Travis Maddox is not someone people should dream about being with. He's possessive, he's emotionally unstable, he flies into fits of rage and he punches every other guy who so much as looks at Abby. And guess what? He never gets called out on his behaviour! In the end him and Abby end up happily married and with matching, possessive tattoos. No, seriously. Abby literally ends up branded with his name like a prize cow.

 

So yes, Beautiful Disaster is one of 'those' books. In fact, laughably so. In the first scene Abby is wearing pearls and a cardigan just to emphasise how sweet and innocent she is, while Travis is introduced with a lengthy description of his tattoos and a scene which involves him bare-knuckle boxing. Only wait, there's a twist! See, Abby isn't the good girl everyone thinks she is. No, it turns out she has a secret...

Her father gambles. That's literally it.

Oh come on. That's not even an issue, especially since Abby's dad is naturally one of Travis's heroes so he just finds it cool. You know what would have been refreshing? If Abby's secret was she used to be a slut. Seriously, now that would have been worth reading. Travis would have to cope with his insane jealousy and confront the fact that he wasn't the only person she'd slept with. That would have involved working through his issues and you know, some actual conflict. Instead we get this half-baked subplot of her dad owing money to some mobsters in Vegas and god, who cares really?

Travis and Abby are without a doubt, the King and Queen of Dysfunctional Relationships. There is not one ounce of drama in this book which doesn't stem from one or both of them acting completely crazy. Side characters are hardly any better, with Abby's friend constantly urging her on to get with the crazy psychopath who completely trashed his apartment when he found out she left him and who chases away other guys when they're not even together. There is one reason and one reason alone to read this book-comedy value. The one upside is it isn't terribly written and I doubt anyone is actually stupid enough to believe this is what a relationship should be like.

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